Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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