Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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