I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
