I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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