If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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