ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize