Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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