I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
