I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
