And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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