my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
