What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
