I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
