Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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