eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
