they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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