i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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