Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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