WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
