I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
