He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
