I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
