Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Randomize
