Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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