i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
