It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
