quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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