I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
