my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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