I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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