My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
