I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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