i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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