the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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