I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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