her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
