I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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