just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
