1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize