So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
