to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
