just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
