I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
