Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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