Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
