is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
