AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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