I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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