First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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