70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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