If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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