I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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