you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
