I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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