I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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