yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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