I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
