Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize