P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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