There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
