I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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